If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
