I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
