Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
