He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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