well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
