I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
