Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
