Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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