im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
