when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
