I could have mohawked her pubes.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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