i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
