i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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