is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
