I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
