Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
