mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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