I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
