The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
