i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
