apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
