Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
