I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My feet surprised me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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