I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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