that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
