I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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