I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
