Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
