Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
