I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
