We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
