she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
