I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
