If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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