i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
