Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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