On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
