oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i think i scared a bird with my dick
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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