I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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