I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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