i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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