He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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