I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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