So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
