I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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