OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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