Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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