I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
