i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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