update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
