I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
