i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
